wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
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I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Someone just threatened to call me later
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
🙁
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
This story is comedy gold 😂
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.