My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
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<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.