[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?