Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
lol
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day