The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
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do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.