Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
How all things should be taught/explained.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.