JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
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According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Breaking news:
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.