*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
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I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?