then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
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All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I have never related to anyone more.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.