I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
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I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
this is the most humiliating day of my life
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
IT’S-A ME,