[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
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lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments