The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
You Might Also Like
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
The glory of fall.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.