Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
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“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
The happy life.. 😊
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.