I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
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If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I will never stop laughing at this
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.