Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
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Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
The Weeknd is back
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.