Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
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Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute