so i’m at the stock market right
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Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this