Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
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Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.