hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
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My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..