let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
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My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.