My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
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People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.