HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
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Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw