I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
You Might Also Like
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.