This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
just having fun
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow