My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
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I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Beauty and the Beast
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.