*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
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My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
A ghost story
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*seductively eats two tums*
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Is your wife single?
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*