Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
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Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Oh boy, $150,000!
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
u spoke cat all this time??????
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.