*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
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I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Best spoiler warning ever
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”