in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
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Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.