[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
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the three branches of government
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house