Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
You Might Also Like
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
they split up moments later
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…