Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
You Might Also Like
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?