make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Only a mother’s love …
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them