bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
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**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*