boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
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The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
WTF IS THAT!
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.