People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
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Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
🤣🤣🤣
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.