Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
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EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*