Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
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Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.