Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
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I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
first you must answer his riddles
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.