How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
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SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
uh oh
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Every house has this drawer
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.