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11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]