I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
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If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I put the mess in domestic.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.