gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.