I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
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Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
When he asks for feet pics
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no