is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
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¯_(ツ)_/¯
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.