How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
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My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets