When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
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I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
What the hell is going on?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.