[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
You Might Also Like
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Social distancing in Australia:
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party