Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Ha.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.