[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
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I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.